Some thoughts

would you still love me if you knew who i am?
i deserve love, but do i want yours?
i need attention, but yours is divided.
who is the monster here?

what will you tell your children?
when they ask about me
what will you tell my family?
when it’s them i want to see
i’m sorry i lied to you
but who i am is who i want to be.
i wonder if you’ll ever understand
do i even hold out hope?
i don’t even know
anymore
should i even hold out hope?
it’s hard to tell
anymore

I guess this is my life now
it’s not who I am
but it’s who I wanted to be
and now I’m isolated from my family
for no reason
well, for no good reason
who have I become?
I’m not a monster now, but I wasn’t then either.
wasn’t I?

I shouldn’t have to tell you
it shouldn’t even matter
I shouldn’t have to tell you
but now I’m underwater

as I gaze upon the graveyard of my life
I see…
I see what could have been
I see the lies I told
I see epitaphs that needn’t be

and as I walk through this graveyard
my feet touching the grass
shards of servers long gone cut my skin
but there’s no groundskeeper here
so I have to clean them up myself
but they weigh so much
and I don’t think I'm strong enough

as I sit here in quiet contemplation
in a place I didn’t have to be
of the person I wasn’t really
of the things I shouldn’t have done
I wonder if my future is really so uncertain

you say you’re compassionate, but my pleas fall on deaf ears.
you say you’re not bigoted, while you ban me, again and again and again.
you say you care about children, so why do you think about me more?
you want me to die, but do you really want my blood on your hands?
i just want you to listen. why is that so hard?

speaking in tongues
preventing keyword searching
searching
yearning for respect but finding none
death threats
they fall on deaf ears
but the soul listens

i didn’t know i was searching for pain
i wonder whose pain it really was

i wonder if you’re a fed
i wonder how much i glow
i wonder if it matters

your villification is empty.
stop crying wolf. someone will really get hurt.

you people act so oblivious
as if your suffering is more legitimate
then you exclude us
using our enemies’ rhetoric against us
I despise you
yet I am you
overwhelmingly so
I used to feel at home in your hands
but if you don’t cut this out, there will be blood on them

i was a termite in my own home
i was a termite in our home
it felt good. it felt right.
i didn't see what it did to you

I died a loving and caring death
yet I continue to kill myself
word spreads like wildfire
yet I keep burning bridges
I need to burn you too
yet I don’t want to die
but I guess it’s OK
cause we all die alone
still, I try to move on
but these ashes are in the way

I went through the looking glass
but my reflection was fake
I went down a rabbit hole
I found my own grave
I want a funeral
but they’re not really for the dead, are they?

(Alternate draft of the previous poem)
I died a loving and caring death
yet I continue to kill myself
word spreads like wildfire
yet I keep burning bridges
I need to burn you
yet I don’t want to fight
so wrap us in tinfoil
and set us alight

I went through the looking glass
but my reflection was fake
I went down a rabbit hole
I found my own grave
I want a funeral
but they’re not really for the dead, are they?

I’ll die on this hill
I died on this hill

I’ll die on these hills
I died on these hills
they’ll need a map to find my remains

I’m at a crossroads
now
I have to choose
again
but I don’t want to lie
this time
and I don’t want to corrupt myself
this time
so I guess there’s only one road
and it doesn’t lead to my family

being respectable is a luxury I can’t afford

why do you think I care about a “ratio”?
most of society already hates me. that’s the worst “ratio” there is.