Some thoughts

would you still love me if you knew who i am? i deserve love, but do i want yours? i need attention, but yours is divided. who is the monster here?

what will you tell your children? when they ask about me what will you tell my family? when it’s them i want to see i’m sorry i lied to you but who i am is who i want to be. i wonder if you’ll ever understand do i even hold out hope? i don’t even know anymore should i even hold out hope? it’s hard to tell anymore

I guess this is my life now it’s not who I am but it’s who I wanted to be and now I’m isolated from my family for no reason well, for no good reason who have I become? I’m not a monster now, but I wasn’t then either. wasn’t I?

I resent that you blocked me for reasons truer than I thought but I wanted to lie to keep you here and I lost you to large misunderstandings and empty friendship I hate this restriction placed on me born of false necessity and true lies I really wish I had gone and they really wish I hadn't

I shouldn’t have to tell you it shouldn’t even matter I shouldn’t have to tell you but now I’m underwater

as I gaze upon the graveyard of my life I see… I see what could have been I see the lies I told I see epitaphs that needn’t be and as I walk through this graveyard my feet touching the grass shards of servers long gone cut my skin but there’s no groundskeeper here so I have to clean them up myself but they weigh so much and I don’t think I'm strong enough

why the fuck did I tell you? you said you pity people like me but I don't want your pity anyway why the fuck did you tell it? you said we could still be friends and now you’re living here rent free how do I evict you? and you never told me it’s over but I’m pretty sure I know and you never told me why but I’m pretty sure I know it’s unfortunate the roots of bigotry run terribly deep

as I sit here in quiet contemplation in a place I didn’t have to be of the person I wasn’t really of the things I shouldn’t have done I wonder if my future is really so uncertain

you say you’re compassionate, but my pleas fall on deaf ears. you say you’re not bigoted, while you ban me, again and again and again. you say you care about children, so why do you think about me more? you want me to die, but do you really want my blood on your hands? i just want you to listen. why is that so hard?

speaking in tongues preventing keyword searching searching yearning for respect but finding none death threats they fall on deaf ears but the soul listens i didn’t know i was searching for pain i wonder whose pain it really was

i wonder if you’re a fed i wonder how much i glow i wonder if it matters

your villification is empty. stop crying wolf. someone will really get hurt.

you people act so oblivious as if your suffering is more legitimate then you exclude us using our enemies’ rhetoric against us I despise you yet I am you overwhelmingly so I used to feel at home in your hands but if you don’t cut this out, there will be blood on them

i was a termite in my own home i was a termite in our home it felt good. it felt right. i didn't see what it did to you

I died a loving and caring death yet I continue to kill myself word spreads like wildfire yet I keep burning bridges I need to burn you too yet I don’t want to die but I guess it’s OK cause we all die alone still, I try to move on but these ashes are in the way I went through the looking glass but my reflection was fake I went down a rabbit hole I found my own grave I want a funeral but they’re not really for the dead, are they?

(Alternate draft of the previous poem) I died a loving and caring death yet I continue to kill myself word spreads like wildfire yet I keep burning bridges I need to burn you yet I don’t want to fight so wrap us in tinfoil and set us alight I went through the looking glass but my reflection was fake I went down a rabbit hole I found my own grave I want a funeral but they’re not really for the dead, are they?

I’ll die on this hill I died on this hill I’ll die on these hills I died on these hills they’ll need a map to find my remains

I’m at a crossroads now I have to choose again but I don’t want to lie this time and I don’t want to corrupt myself this time so I guess there’s only one road and it doesn’t lead to my family

being respectable is a luxury I can’t afford

why do you think I care about a “ratio”? most of society already hates me. that’s the worst “ratio” there is.